wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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