i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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