you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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