He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
