3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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