His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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