you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
