My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
