nut hugger
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
