I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
