i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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