If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
