our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
