When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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