sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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