So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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