I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
