I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
