So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
