I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
