Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
