you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
