My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
