At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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