I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
