508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
