Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
