I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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