i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
