If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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