I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
