So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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