Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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