uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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