Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
