last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
