If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
