I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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