My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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