One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
