Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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