Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
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