I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
