STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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