I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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