In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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