went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
