I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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