My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
