first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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