is your mom at the bar?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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