girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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